


Moderation

by Beacon_Kathleen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, borderline abuse of song lyrics, i really dont know what happened, i used too many song lyrics, this wasnt supposed to be this long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 00:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19801372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beacon_Kathleen/pseuds/Beacon_Kathleen
Summary: Your relationship with Dean has never been enough, but does he feel the same way?





	Moderation

**Author's Note:**

> I was working on something else and then I got an idea for this... so I wrote it.

_Want me to love you in moderation  
Do I look moderate to you? _

“Are you getting sick?” Dean asks eyeing you up and down seeing the excess of layers that you’re wearing. It was just one of those days… you needed a break from everything. Every noise in the bunker made you feel overwhelmed and just laying around made you feel like something bad was headed in your direction. Days like this you compensated by wearing multiple layers and staying out of the Winchester brother's way. You never got like this during a case, never allowed yourself to get this way when your life was on the line, but in the safety of the bunker, you allowed yourself to tear down a wall or two.  
“No, it’s more of a mental health day” you mumble holding the hot mug of coffee close to your face.  
“Let me know if you need anything from me.” He bends down slightly to kiss your forehead and walks out of the kitchen. You breathe a sigh of relief, days like today anything he does makes you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest. Actually, that's not new, that happens constantly, what has you feeling like this is the rawness you feel in your chest. The way that every time your heart beats around him it seems to say not enough, _not enough_ , **never enough**.

_Want me to love you in moderation  
Well, who do you think you're talking to? _

When you started hunting with the Winchester brothers you figured something out very quickly. While Dean didn’t think that he was capable of being loved, people fell in love with him very easily. You joined them on hunts all over the country and he left behind broken hearts all over. The waitress in Tennessee that served him his coffee, the girl in Portland that he saved from being some monsters lunch, the intern at the morgue that he bribed into letting him see a body without “proper FBI paperwork” and countless others. So when you realized you were in love with him, you weren’t surprised. Dean loved saving people, loved using his charm to get what he wanted, forgetting that people had feelings and when you manipulate them without their knowledge they believe in your lies and end up getting hurt.  
You never did anything half-assed either. When you found out that a demon killed your family, you jumped back into the hunting world like you had never left. At seventeen when you started to starve yourself and later when all you had running through your system was drugs, you jumped into that too. After spending so much time with both Dean and Sam it was hard to keep your feelings at bay, to control them and hope that they just faded, so you just fell in so deep that no one would ever be enough. No one but Dean could ever make you happy.

_I've never made it with moderation_  
_No, I've never understood_  
All the feeling was all or nothing  
And I took everything I could 

The set up at the bar has been about the same since you joined the boys. You, Sam, and Dean drink for about two rounds before Dean gets caught up with a game of pool or darts or a girl. Tonight is no different, the soreness in your chest hurts in tandem with your heartbeat. “You could just tell him you know? He worries about you when you get like this.”  
“Sam, you know I can’t do that.’ You pick at the label on the beer bottle, ‘He’s not… he won’t… I can’t need that from him too.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You guys saved me after my parents died. I was acting recklessly on that hunt and if you guys hadn’t shown up I probably would have died. Then you took me under your wing and taught me how to be a better hunter and you let me live with you guys in the bunker.” You turned your attention to Dean, up at the bar flirting with the bartender working that day, he turns and smiles at you, you offer him a small smile in return. “I can’t tell him about this. He deserves someone he doesn’t have to worry about.”  
Sam smiles sadly, “He worries anyways, you guys might as well be together.”  
“That girl has been eyeing me all night,’ Dean interrupts your staring contest with Sam by dropping off your drinks, ‘I’m gonna go see what all the staring is about. You’ll be okay?” He asks looking at you specifically.  
“Yeah, Dean. Always.” You say with a weak smile.

_Want me to love you in moderation  
Well don't you know, I wish I could _

Dean’s been gone for four days at this point. You had another argument about his recklessness when he nearly got killed in the vamp nest. Luckily Sam was right behind him, if not he would have been dead. “I could have lost you” you want to yell at him. “You would be dead without knowing how I feel about you.” Instead what comes out is, “You’re such a reckless idiot! You are so lucky Sam was there to save your ass! If you want to be reckless do it on your own time, not when our lives are on the line too.”  
Dean picks his bag up from where he had dropped it on the table, “I need some air. I’ll be back.” He gives one last look at Sam before you hear the car start. He didn’t turn to look at you, that’s what hurt the most.  
—  
You’re preparing for another sleepless night of wondering where Dean is, but being too proud to call him, afraid that if you did he wouldn’t answer. You know Sam has been checking up on him, he’s been leaving his laptop with a little blue, pulsing dot showing Dean's current location where you can clearly see it. You had just gotten comfortable when you hear the loud slam of the bunker door. “Y/N,” Dean grunts as he sets his bag down on the table and turns to look at you. Even in the low light, you can see the string of dark purple hickies and your eyes begin to burn and water at the corners. “I didn’t think you were coming back for another few days.”  
“I ran out of clothes,” he replies dryly.  
“Well you, umm, clearly had a good time cooling off and whatnot. I’ve been binging Netflix for way too long. I’m gonna go to bed,’ you say quickly picking up your pillow and blanket, ‘Sams gonna be really glad that you’re back. He missed you.”  
“Just Sam?” Dean asks, almost a whisper. Your steps falter for a second but decide not to respond and keep walking to your room, silent tears rolling down your face.


End file.
